I will be in a single-digit countdown starting on my birthday.
As I count my blessings:
1) I have collected many friends around the country and the globe, and will enjoy visiting/crashing on their couches. Of course, many of these people remember me marginally, (if at all) so there will be those "Honey, who is that guy again?" questions.
I plan to travel in this manner until word of my (anticipated)incontinence speads.
2) I'll probably be able to save money by hitchhiking.
3) Baby and I will be able to spend as much time at the beach as we like!I will be doing some preliminary couch surfing over the next several years, as till retirement I have to travel "on the cheap" to make my grandiose visions come true.
All readers who wish to host me in their city, just let me know.
Who's first?
Dear Mr. Randall.
ReplyDeleteI have been forwarded a copy of your plans, and want you to know that we will be happy to provide accomodations for you in our new modern facility.
http://www.cullmansheriff.org/DetentionCenter.htm
Sincerely,
Tyler Roden
Sheriff,
Cullman County
Geez, one of you SOB's is going to eventually invest in a motorized bike, even if it KILLS ya...
ReplyDeleteDear Jay,
ReplyDeleteWhat a joy it was to read your future travel plans. Needless to say, you are always welcome to stay here in Schwabenland with your illigitimate German children. We have all missed you buckets since you left Mutter for Baby. Little Gerhard is 6 foot 2 now and can't wait to play with Papa. Josie is a Dike and Liza, your "Purty Pumpkin", is the biggest coke dealer in Baden Wuerttemburg. Rasputin just turned 16 and plays guitar pretty badly, like someone else we all know, and Josie has two bastards and another bitch in the oven. The government pays for all her medical bills and gives her spending money to boot. She'll make you proud. As for me, Mutter says I lie around on my 3@*!% a lot, like my Papa used to do. Is that tue?
You know where we live, so stop being a stranger and come on back to where you belong. Mutter has a bank account where you can easily deposit your retirement check. Bring Baby along too. We can use some help come plantin time.
Wir Lieben dich sehr,
Alabama Schneckenburgerrandall
Heilbronn, Germany
Ah, you clever b@stards.. "Purty Pumpkin" and "Rasputin?"
ReplyDeleteStill probably better than the "Lyle" and "Erik" I have now.
Jay
So it sounds like many happy trails ahead for us all! I'm not sure where I'll begin my life as an expat, but when I figure it out you're welcome to crash on my couch.
ReplyDelete